Let’s rank the beards in FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE INTERGRADEWhich resident of Midgar has the best face fuzz? Let’s settle this never before asked question once and for all.
It was quite an exciting 2021 for Square Enix. We had Outriders, Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy, the weird and wonderful NieR Replicant ver.1.22474487139... and FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE INTERGRADE has released on PS5 and PC!
There’s a lot to dig into with this eye-meltingly gorgeous adventure, so we thought what better time to address something that’s been bothering some of us at Square Enix HQ for some time: who has the best beard in the game?
Yes, you read that right - we’re asking the big questions: Whose follicles are the most fabulous? Does the honor belong to one of our hirsute heroes or a bearded baddie? Isn’t this whole thing a colossal waste of time?
At least two of those questions will be answered right now, as we rank the best beards in FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE INTERGRADE! And by ‘we’, I mean specifically ‘me’ - officially Square Enix loves all its beards equally and could never choose between them et cetera et cetera…
This brash and bumbling blockhead sports a… unique sense of style. From his hair to his outfit, everything about Johnny basically screams ‘extra’.
That extends to his facial hair - three ludicrous strips of red that creep like tendrils over his admittedly chiseled jaw.
It is, by all accounts, a very silly beard. But that’s Johnny all over - and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Midgar’s most deliriously unhinged traffic cop is always up for pushing it past the redline - just perhaps not in terms of facial hair.
Considering how over the top every aspect of Roche’s appearance and attitude are, he’s shown remarkable restraint when it comes to facial hair, opting for a simple goatee over a more ostentatious style.
But perhaps that makes sense - after all, it’s not his look, but his skill on the bike that really does the talking.
He may be called Rude, but there’s nothing uncouth about this bearded member of the Turks.
Unlike his unpredictable partner Reno, Rude approaches situations with the cool, calm demeanor of a man who’s in total control of his actions. His chin strap beard reflects that personality - neat, precisely trimmed and utterly refined.
It works for him, but it also doesn’t stand out compared to some of the others on this list. Simply put, some Midgar men just wear it better.
6. Barret Wallace
Big, burly and beautifully bearded, it’s Barret Wallace!
This Avalanche leader takes the fight to Shinra with some fine facial follicles - a fantastically well-maintained beard that’s even more impressive when you consider that one of his limbs is usually replaced with a variety of oversized - heh - arm-aments.
I dunno, maybe he has an atomic scissors attachment (mental note: ask FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE devs about this).
But as fine as Barret’s beard is, it doesn’t really register compared to his other, more striking features - especially that incredibly adaptable arm.
5. Chocobo Sam
Visitors to Midgar’s entertainment district quickly learn not to underestimate this smooth-talking chocobo magnate. He may look like a simple man, but there’s a fierce intelligence behind that rustic beard.
In fact, it’s hard not to admire that magnificent mane that adorns his face. Thick and luxuriant, it exudes power - something that as one of the ‘big three’ of Wall Market he has in spades.
4. Reeve Tuesti
You have to feel sorry for Reeve. He’s a fundamentally decent man, trying to do a good job in a work environment that could charitably described as toxic. Literally if you include Hojo’s laboratory.
Even so, he remains the consummate Shinra employee - and that professional attitude is matched by his impressive beard, which combines both style and respectability.
3. Andrea Rhodea
Andrea has it all - poise, passion and some truly fabulous facial fuzz.
As the owner of the famous Honeybee Inn - and its main attraction - he positively radiates star power and panache. You can see it in all aspects, including that meticulously styled beard. It may not be as full as others in Midgar, but it perfectly reflects the glamorous personality of its wearer.
What other word for it is there than…
You can say this about Shinra’s head of Public Security if nothing else - he may be a cruel-minded jerk with a mean streak as broad as his shoulders, but he sure can rock a beard!
Heidegger is an imposing figure and that power and status comes across loud and clear in that magnificently bushy face decoration.
An impressive effort that would stand tall as the greatest in Midgar, if not for a new arrival to the city…
If you’ve ever played a FINAL FANTASY game, you won’t be shocked to find Ramuh on this list.
Ol’ beardy here has been a mainstay in the series, and he finally makes his return, lending his support - and facial hair - to Wutai’s Yuffie and Sonon in FF7R EPISODE INTERMISSION.
Oh, and what facial hair it is! Few figures in any game, let alone the FINAL FANTASY series, can match its length, girth, and sheer regal majesty. It’s a beard fit for the lord of lightning, and should be met with nothing less than thunderous applause.
There you have it. The definitive ranking of Midgar beards that we totally didn’t just pull out of thin air on a whim.
Disagree with us? Perhaps you’d rather judge it yourselves? You can see all these fascinating face-fuzzed folks looking better than ever before in FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE INTERGRADE - out now on PS5 and PC:
If you already own FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE for the PlayStation 4 (physical or digital version) and own a PlayStation 5, you can download the free FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE PlayStation 5 enhancement update (an internet connection is required to download it).
This update does not include FF7R EPISODE INTERmission. FF7R EPISODE INTERmission can be purchased separately as a digital download via the PlayStation Store.
Note: if you have purchased FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE (physical edition) for PlayStation 4, and own the PlayStation 5 digital edition (the model without a disc drive) then you are not eligible to download the upgrade.
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