5 times we were undone by our own stupidity in Square Enix games

The Square Enix blog team take a look back at their multiple gaming inadequacies
By Duncan Heaney
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Square Enix games feature a broad and diverse collection of characters. Most - the likes of Cloud Strife, Lara Croft and Adam Jenson - are brave, intelligent and highly competent individuals. But unfortunately they all share the same basic flaw - they’re controlled by us.

And we’re idiots.

Here are five times we cheated ourselves out of success in our favorite games:

Taking on a T-Rexaur at level 8 in FINAL FANTASY VIII

We don’t know much about running a school, but we probably wouldn’t put giant carnivorous dinosaurs on the curriculum. That said, we’re not running a mercenary training academy.

Within Balamb Garden, potential SeeD recruits like Squall Leonhart can take on monsters to practice their skills and raise their stats. But one monster towers above them all - both physically and in terms of raw power: the T-Rexaur.

You can first encounter this scaly nightmare at around level 8. If you do, your instructor Quistis will offer up some sage advice: “Sometimes it’s better to run!”

A sensible student would take the hint, but unfortunately for Squall, we’re far from sensible. One (very short) battle later, that T-Rexaur had a full belly and a nice shiny gunblade to use as a toothpick. We assume that counts as a failing grade.


Taking on a Wild Saurian at level 1 in FINAL FANTASY XII THE ZODIAC AGE

Why do we keep making the same mistakes?!

In FINAL FANTASY XII THE ZODIAC AGE, one beast is undisputed master of the Dalmascan Estersands - the Wild Saurian.

Much like the T-Rexaur, this bipedal behemoth will obliterate under-levelled adventurers in seconds - only the foolish would try to take one on near the start of the adventure.

Obviously we tried to take one on.

Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter how well thought out your battle strategy is, or how meticulously you’ve set up your gambits (the pre-determined behaviors you set for your party), taking on the Wild Saurian with a single figure level is the fast track to an early game over.

Upon reflection, we should probably start avoiding dinosaurs in FINAL FANTASY games.


Giving Lara Croft a big hand - Tomb Raider and Tomb Raider: Anniversary

In the very first Tomb Raider game (and it’s excellent remake, Tomb Raider Anniversary) Lara Croft is already an experienced explorer, with years of adventures under her belt.

So she would definitely be aware of the legend of King Midas, whose touch turned everything to gold - and that if you’re in a place called Midas’s Palace, and you see a giant hand called the Hand of Midas, you probably shouldn’t touch it!

It’s a shame we’re in the driving seat, because we clambered right onto that inviting, open palm… and watched in horror as our heroine was painfully turned into a solid gold statue.

Sorry we accidentally killed you Lara - but on the plus side, you’ll make a fantastic find for a future Tomb Raider!


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Getting Ending T in NieR:Automata

One of the many joys of NieR:Automata is collecting chips that enhance your android characters’ stats and abilities. They do come with some fitted as standard though, including one very notable one: the OS chip.

Anyone that knows anything about computing understands that damaging or removing the operating system causes problems, so if we had half a brain cell, we’d leave it alone.

Unfortunately, we don’t - that bad boy was torn out of poor 2B and sold for a tiny bit of cash. The resulting game over was rather obvious in hindsight.

But that’s just one of NieR:Automata’s many endings. You can learn more about them here:


Going to the toilet during FINAL FANTASY VII’s bombing mission

FINAL FANTASY VII starts with an exciting mission to destroy a reactor that’s sucking life from the planet. After a furious battle past robots and soldiers, our heroes Cloud and Barret set the bomb and have ten minutes to escape.

It was around this time that we had to take a break to use the facilities - so we did what we typically do when we want to take a break in a FINAL FANTASY - we left the game on the menu.

What we should have realized is that the countdown timer doesn’t stop while you’re in those menus - it just keeps ticking away.

So while we were answering the call of nature, poor Cloud, Barret, Wedge, Biggs and Jessie were left to stand around awkwardly and await their fiery demise.

A demise caused entirely by player stupidity. And arguably a weak bladder.


Those are just some of the ways we ended our own games through our own failings. But what about you - have you ever self-sabotaged yourself in a moment of madness? Let us know in the comments, and on social media:

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